About two years ago I created Restoring a Mother's Heart Retreat for women whose children have died from chronic illness. One day in early 2016 while drying my hair I felt the nudge to create this event. I proceeded and as things so quickly fell into place, I knew it was mean to be. This retreat is born out of my deepest darkest place. A space where I did not think it was possible for light to enter. I am here to tell you, the light entered and grew. I grew. I blossomed and I'm continuing to grow.
As I say in this video, Ethan's life and his death have been the greatest invitations I've ever received. The invitation to be my best self (still working on that), to question, to wrestle with God, myself, and the decisions I made for Ethan's care. I had to let everything fall away, so that I could rebuild it. I am still building, but my heart is strong and my mind clear about what I am here to do.
Last week I was in Boston for various meetings and spent time with Ethan's surgeon and his cardiologist. I always love seeing them and I'm thankful for their support of the foundation's work. But this time I felt this huge heaviness in my heart, a giant void. I felt a deeper sadness than I have in awhile. I just wished it was different. I craved seeing Ethan. When I'm in the hospital, I see myself and Ethan in the families I observe. I want you to know that I don't miss Ethan any less. My realizations and the purpose I have found do not make all of this okay. I will miss Ethan until the day I see him again.
Yet, I am thankful for the fire that burns in me. For the ability to walk in pain and purpose at the same time. My journey has given me great clarity, and daily I'm learning more and more about opening my hands and heart and going where I'm called.
I created this video during our November 2017 Retreat with my dear friend Lexi Read. She and her husband Zach are filmmakers and helped me bring this message to life. I hope you will take a few minutes to watch it and share it with anyone you think would benefit.
Our next retreat is March 16-18, 2018 in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.
Sending each of you much love,
PS. Here's the one minute social version if you'd like to share it on Instagram.