The Mom After Me.

You are the mom before someone. The dad before someone. The friend, the student, the scientist, the doctor, the teacher, the business person, the author, the someone before someone. Someone will come after you. They will stand on your shoulders. You can make a difference for them. You can stand tall and help make their story better. Even if you cannot make yours better. You get a choice. You always get a choice. I have come to a place in my life where I believe there are no coincidences. Ethan in the hospital for 13 months..no coincidence. Our story...no coincidence. Your story...no coincidence. You hate the outcome of your story? I get it. I do. But you get the choice. Make a change, make a difference. It doesn't have to be in a loud, sweeping way. It can be quiet and small...it's still making a difference. Love the people who tried their best, even if they came up short. Love them into doing something different next time. In the process of all of this...love yourself. You are a beautiful creation. You are created to make a difference. 

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Choosing Love.

Choosing love is not easy. I would not have been able to choose it fully had Ethan not been my son. I loved him so much that it became my only choice, my only option. In choosing Ethan I have been broken and transformed. When I connect with another mom whose child is sick or a mom whose child has died, when I see a friend in a tough spot, I whisper “thank you Ethan”. It’s because of him that I can see these people and love them and feel so deeply with them. 

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Walk by Faith.

I have come to know deep in my soul that it all belongs. Life, death, joy, sadness, accomplishment and failure. It all belongs. It all shapes us. I also believe that it's not random. And that there is purpose in all of it. There was GREAT purpose in Ethan's life and there is purpose in his death. You see we are souls that never die. And so my love for Ethan never dies. His love for me never dies. If I could strong arm God or the Universe to hand me back Ethan I would. If I could negotiate my way into having him back I would. But I cannot. And so in this broken place that I have crawled through these last 3 years and I have discovered that I am held. That I am loved and though it does not make sense, it belongs. 

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Seeing each other.

Spring has turned to summer and I find my body physically aches. I’m often not consciously thinking about being sad or about the fact that another school year has finished without Ethan and that another summer is upon us and we will make memories without him. I’m reminded that grief is physical and at times all encompassing and that it demands my time and my attention. I’m reminded that more time is passing and that healing is a process. That I'm still a student and that I have more work to do. 

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Welcome.

Welcome.

For quite sometime I've wanted to continue writing. I had a hard time giving up writing on Caringbridge, but sensed it was time for something new. So here I am writing again, but in a new home. To be totally honest, I'm not sure what this blog will become. But I know I have a lot to say...a lot to share...so here is where that will happen. Over the past three years I have not shared in writing physically as much as I've written in my head. The last three years of learning to live with the death of Ethan have been...well I'm not sure what word I'd pick. They've been hard and they've been fascinating. 

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